The Last in Line (No More)

I am a heavy metal child of the 80's.  Screaming guitars, crunching base and crashing symbols with all sorts of drum fills is what I musically thrive on.  There are many great talents that ran in the genre, several that still do, but few that equal the pipes of Ronnie James Dio.  No one in my life time could match the haunting low and soaring falsetto that little man provided for many years.  (Joey Belladonna and Geoff Tate) He was made for the arena concert and his personality was all "front-man".  Equal parts intellect and childish fun loving on stage he was enigmatic to the audience because of the way he feigned a doer of evil while at the same time loving life and people, like only a grateful person can.

One of my favorite Dio songs growing up, and later almost a mantra to which I secretly thought of myself, was "Last in Line" - about being lost with no hope of finding a way home again, all while having a good time in the things chose to make one feel better and live for excitement..  About terminal hopelessness because on Judgement day, 'we' would be the last in line and never get into The Kingdom.  That was about me, that was how I was seeing myself in the dark, I was the last in line.  I was sailing a wooden ship close to the shoals because I thought I had to, and I had no hope of making out, but the sight of gold ahead kept me from looking for help outside of myself.  And if I crashed on those rocks and perished, I wasn't getting in.  But it was okay, it was fun....

Two eyes from the east,
It's the angel or the beast;
And the answer lies between the good and bad.
We search for the truth,
We could die upon the tooth;
But the thrill of just the chase is worth the pain.

We'll know for the first time, 
If we're evil or divine;
We're the last in line...

But let's be honest; now I DO KNOW without a doubt that I can be forgiven.  I WAS forgiven long before I ever committed my sin.  And, there is no amount of "good times" that outweighs the question of eternal life or death.  I was a happy guy, on the outside, but on the inside I was mess.  I never felt forgiven no matter who I asked if of.  I never felt worthy no matter what I accomplished or conqured or owned ot achieved.  None of those "good times" in the "chase" was worth the cost.

Thankfully the right people began to appear in my vision in recent years.  I am most certain that God put the right people around me at all times but I refused to see them until sometime in 2012.  As I continued on the path I was on, a trajectory more or less pointed at the gates of hell (laugh with me) I became increasingly aware of other people's feelings in my life.  I began to weigh the cost of what I was doing to others and potentially to others and I didn't like what I saw.  The numbers were all wrong.  It was all about me and everyone else was losing.  I am inherently a good man so that began to itch and finally to burn within me.  I realized that God, sanctification through Christ, was my only hope.

I refused that too, for several years, I couldn't dare go back on my word could I?  I was known for having a staunch opposition to organized religion and traditional churches in particular.  I was a pharisee and was enjoying the debate when I could find it.  Worldly pride kept me from asking God to help me until I reached the brink of disaster, when I had little choice in whether I would keep the things I treasured or lose them for no promise of anything even close, let alone better, just because I couldn't swallow my pride.  The whole episode that lead me to where I am today is another post, and I will get to it, I promise, just not today.

So now, through the forgiveness afforded me by the gift of Jesus Christ, I no longer feel like one of the "Last in Line."  I'm up at the front now, waving my hands like crazy at those behind me to c'mon, because no part of "the chase" and the thrill wrapped within it is worth the cost.  I can't begin to explain how much better my life is today then it was in late February 2016, you just have to trust me.  I'm no longer searching for the truth, I know the truth, and I am no longer worried about the tooth of the beast.  I am a Child of God and no longer a slave to the lies.

I am NOT the same person I was on February 20th 2016, I have been in evolution since then. I am a new man with a new soul, a cleansed heart and clean slate.  Rebuilding my person by the day to live in a way that exemplifies Christ and his sacrifice for this world.  My redemption was paid a long time ago so it's not about that, this is about denying the things that I would use to quantify "life" as I wanted it to be and picking up my cross day by day to share my story and His love.